Can't Have You
by coconutflakes
Summary: This is a Folly J story basically. Everything takes place after "Drop The World Pt. 1". It's mostly dialogue, so I hope you like it.
1. Chapter 1

"You'll find someone else, Holly J. I promise," Fiona reassured her with a smile. Holly J had broken up with her boyfriend, Sav, today, and though she wasn't really too broken up about it, Fiona cared too much the let her best friend hurt at all.

"I know, Fi. I just didn't like doing it to him," Holly J responded and curled up further into the blankets they had spread out on Fiona's couch. "I mean, when I said I wanted to end it, he looked like a sick puppy. Then again, he normally kind of looks like a sick puppy." The two girls laughed and Holly J took another bite of her ice cream straight from the container. "Here, Fiona. Eat some or I'll be so fat no one else will want me."

"First, I don't think that could ever happen. You're beautiful and you always will be. Second, I got _you_ the ice cream. You're the one who just went through the breakup. It's therapeutic. It'll help you get back out there."

"Is there even a point trying to date someone at Degrassi?" Holly J wondered aloud. "I mean, I'm just going off to university in a few months anyway. It's not like anything I start can go anywhere."

"Unless you date someone who's going to Yale." Fiona cocked her head to the side and gave Holly J a half-smile so she would know she was joking; she couldn't bear to have Holly J know how she really felt about her, and yet, she couldn't seem to stay away from the girl she loved.

"Fiona, I'm pretty sure you're the only other person at Degrassi going. It's okay. When we get there I'll be your wingman. Or wingwoman. Or whatever. We'll find you a girlfriend." Holly J grinned at her friend in a supportive way, and Fiona half-smiled back to mask the frown she was really feeling.

"Thanks, Holly J. You've been my rock through everything. I really don't know what I would do without you." This time her smile was genuine, but Fiona still felt like she was holding back everything. There she was, lying beside the person she was completely and madly in love with, and there was nothing she could do about it. She knew that Holly J could never love her back, and it was driving her crazy.

"Movie time?" Holly J raised her eyebrows expectantly. "I could use some good old cheesy romance to remind me of what I could have someday."

"Yeah, movie time," Fiona said as she reached for the remote. She was grateful to have Holly J as her anything, even if it was just a friend. But she would always want more. Fiona glanced over to Holly J and grinned, her face the façade of sympathy and understanding. The pain only showed in her eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

Fiona walked down the hallway the next day with a lot on her mind. First and foremost, there was Holly J. She wanted her. She wanted her badly. She couldn't have her. But she wanted to try. After Holly J had spent the night yesterday, Fiona made up her mind to take everything one day at a time. Maybe one day, she would have the courage to confess to Holly J how she felt. Maybe their friendship would even survive it. But she couldn't do it yet. There was no way.

Second was Anya. She knew. She knew everything, and it made Fiona nervous. But for now she just had to shake it all off and worry about classes. It seemed like she hadn't been doing that nearly enough lately.

Holly J walked out of French class and toward her locker, Anya at her side.

"Anya, I'm worried about Fiona," Holly J admitted.

"Really? How so? I haven't really picked up on anything," Anya replied.

"I don't know. I mean, she's obviously doing a lot better with being sober and coming out and all of that. But she still doesn't seem happy. I feel like she's holding something back, and I'm her best friend. I want to help her."

"I always just assumed that's the way she was," Anya said, trying to be inconspicuous.

"What do you mean?"

"She's not an open book, Holly J. Most people aren't. And you're probably just reading too much into things. I know you're her best friend, but…" Anya trailed off.

"But what?" Holly J kept on.

"But maybe there are just some things that are better kept private. If I were you I wouldn't pester her into telling you something she doesn't want to. It'll be for the best… The best for Fiona," Anya finished.

Holly J looked off, thinking for a moment. "You're right." She nodded. "I should just give her some privacy and lay off it for a while. That's best. You're right. Ummm… I've got to go to class. I'll see you later?"

"Yeah, sure. See you." Anya waved her off.

Fiona watched Holly J and Anya talking to each other from down the hall. What could they be talking about? She felt so anxious and insecure that her secret would be revealed and Holly J would be so disgusted with her and never speak to her again. She approached Anya as soon as Holly J was out of sight.

"Did you tell her?" Fiona asked, looking down.

"No. Fiona, I'm not going to do that to you. But she's worried about you."

"So you did talk about me?" Fiona met her eyes with a bit of an accusatory look.

"Yeah." Anya looked concerned too. She paused for a moment. "Are you ready to talk about it Fiona? I know that you don't like me knowing and you're insecure about your feelings, but you can't hide something like this forever. Holly J is going to find out sooner or later."

"What do you mean?" Fiona knew she looked on edge, but she didn't care. She had to protect herself.

"Look, I'm not going to tell her anything. But you can't fight love. You can't bury your emotions."

Fiona shut her eyes tight and tilted her head back, letting out the breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. She looked then Anya in the eyes, her brow furrowed and replied with a resigned, "Okay."

"I'll see you at The Dot after school then?"

Fiona drew a deep breath. "Sure." She turned around and started down the hall. If only she could focus on school for a while.


	3. Chapter 3

When Fiona walked into The Dot after school that day, she was anxious. She didn't want to talk to anyone else about her feelings. She had barely begun to acknowledge them, herself, let alone accept them. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe she was getting too caught up in herself, in everything. But, then again, maybe having someone to talk to wasn't a bad thing, even if they couldn't fully understand what she was going through.

Anya, already at a table, looked up as Fiona walked in and waved. At least she seemed in a good mood. That might make this easier.

"Hey, Fiona! I got you a regular coffee. I didn't really know what you liked. Sit down." Anya gestured to the seat next to her.

"That's fine. Thanks." Fiona paused and looked around. "Umm… So…" she trailed off. She looked up to see Anya looking at her expectantly. She was obviously waiting for her to make the first move. "You want to talk about me." She almost made it a question.

"Yes. But only if you want to, if you're ready." Anya took her hand from across the table trying to make her comfortable. Fiona pulled it away and put her hands in her lap. A few moments passed before she started.

"To be honest, I don't want to feel this way. My life would be so much easier if I didn't feel this way. I go through every day knowing that I can't be with her, that I'll never be with her. And it's not about being gay, I'm fine with that. I've come to terms with that. It's that I feel like I'm betraying our friendship. She trusts me, and I'm keeping a secret this big from her. But, if I told her, I know that it would be ten times worse. I just don't want to feel this way about my best friend," Fiona finished, frowning. She looked down as Anya began.

"It's not like you can help it, Fi. It's not your fault, and you need to stop beating yourself up about it. This is no way to live your life." Fiona looked up and met her eyes. They were as sympathetic as her voice, and though sympathy wasn't what she wanted right now, it was at least something.

"So, what do you propose I do?"

"Get your mind off of her. Go out, and try to meet someone or… study, or just do something to occupy your mind until you get over her." Anya smiled at her.

"You think I haven't tried that? She's all I can think about, Anya. I can't help it," Fiona said exasperatedly as she felt her eyes begin to tear up. She tried to keep calm even as she was working herself up. "She's in my dreams, when I'm asleep, when I'm awake. She's there at school and I see her and I can be with her, but I can't be _with_ her. She's just everywhere for me."

"You've got it bad, don't you?" Anya asked and Fiona nodded. "I understand. I've been there, and trust me, you'll be okay. You just have to wait it out or go for it. And you're only choice is to wait it out. And I know how much that sucks, but just remember that it _will_ get better."

Fiona shut her eyes hard, blinking away tears. "Okay. Okay, thank you, Anya. For being here for me. You're a really great friend." Fiona grinned and Anya grinned back. "I've got to go, but I'll see you later. And thank you."

"No problem. And you can always talk to me if you need it. Remember that."

Fiona nodded and got up to leave. As she was walking out the door she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She took it out to see that someone was calling her. It was Adam.


End file.
